FEAR
“…dragging this topic out from under the 2-ton rock where I usually hide it and putting it out there in the light where it sits all pink and shriveled and shivering from being hidden for so long is not as easy as it sounds”
SHAME
“There is no way to be lighthearted about terror and shame…so, so, so much shame. Sick-to-my-stomach, can’t-look-people-in-the-eye shame. I-don’t-want-to-be-me-anymore shame. What’s-the-point shame. This-is-all-hopeless-anyway shame. I-will-never-change shame. I-am-worthless shame.
No, there really isn’t anything funny about this fear and shame at all, and this time I’m not laughing.”
REFLECTION
“I hurt me when I use this escape method. That should really bother me more, right? I should have a problem with hurting me, right?”
BROKEN
“At the conception of this artistic venture, I’d imagined other’s would view me as flawed. The truth is, what other’s see is of little consequence.
I see myself as broken.”
SELF
“…it feels like I’ve opened up a big ‘ol can of worms in my psyche that, honestly, I’d kind-of like to shove back in and cover up tight.”
SUBMISSION
“I must be good at everything I do, but also be humble and patient with faults in others”
PETITION
“I must have a heart that overflows with the love of God, but understand fully that my heart is wicked”
EXTRICATION
“Everything on that list of my expectations is based on what people either demonstrated or outright told me, but none of it comes from my own understanding and experience of God himself. I think its time for me to follow His lead, listen to His voice, and learn to view myself the way He clearly says He does – as His beautiful daughter who is worthy of love and belonging just the way He made me.”
MINE
” I desperately want to take the wheel once and for all and live a wholehearted life.”
DICHOTOMY
“For so long I have taken every beautiful Scripture about love and applied it only to others. I saw myself as the dirty, worthless worm, but I don’t want to do that anymore.”
MECHANICS
“One of the most frightening discoveries I’ve uncovered is that my impulsive need to render myself bald has virtually nothing to do with hair at all”
FILTERED
” Endless “checklists” have been compiled by so many different flavors of religion, outlining the parameters we are to use in judgement of whether or not someone is worthy of love. However, if I use that same list to measure myself, I come up horrifically short of hitting the mark.”
TOXIC
” For years people understood that smoking tobacco caused harm to the smoker, but after further research they discovered the effects of second-hand smoke. By poisoning themselves, the smokers are also emitting toxins infecting all of those around them. When I constantly remind myself of how unlovable I am, how can I possibly overflow with anything other than disgust and disdain?”
UNTAINTED
” I do not need a checklist to determine my own or anyone else’s value. If I breathe in the pure, unadulterated breath of God, I truly believe I will thrive and will, in turn, love everyone around me.”
PROPOSAL
“If you could have seen the future, would you have married me?”
HISTORY
“In all honesty, I don’t know why he ever even asked me out…”
HIS
“ He opens up his heart and takes on the hurt of my past as if it were his own story of suffering.”
CHOSEN
“Marrying Rick was the first time in my life I made a choice to do something good for me, even though I didn’t think for one second that I deserved him.”
POSSESSED
“What does it mean if I let it go? Do I really need to let it go? How do I just walk away from this? Who am I without my past?”
ORIGINS
“From The Dog Who Returned to its Vomit to A Daughter of the King”
BECOMING
“Show me, Father. Show me how to marry both my then and now”
EPIPHANY
“As (the speaker) introduced the topic of neural pathways, something inside me began to take form. While his purpose was to convey the idea of porn addiction, my brain immediately recognized the implications this concept had on my own inner struggle. It was a true epiphany, and I found myself riveted. I had to know more about these neural pathways.”
INTERWOVEN
“This neural pathway … wasn’t a path THROUGH the woods, it was the very forest itself, closing in all around me, reaching deep into the center of my being, with no signs of light or blazes to show a way out. It had become a physiological, REAL part of me, and as much as this fact could bring about a fatalistic spiral of despair, that night I felt a twinge of something I’d almost given up on… I had hope!”
PEROGATIVE
“My brain starts down the oh-so-familiar trail to find that ever elusive peace when those neural transmitters start sweet-talking each other,, and they all work together like a well-oiled machine to achieve that momentary serenity my spirit constantly craves. And yet my inner tranquility is gone in the time it takes a single hair to drift lazily to the floor.”
BUSHWHACKED
“After so many years of sticking to the familiar path, I think its high time I start bushwhacking my way into uncharted territory, create some new pathways…”
CONTEMPLATION
“After two years of planning, preparing, and procrastinating, the day had arrived to follow through with my terrifying intentions.”
CULMINATION
“What in the hell was I thinking?! Not only was I defying every dictate of our culture’s view of women and their hair, I was removing the one and only coping mechanism that had remained faithful to me throughout my entire life. “
CELEBRATION
“…I don’t have to have hair to be a woman. I don’t have to fit society’s definition of attractive to feel pretty. I don’t have to look how someone else wants me to look. I rock this buzz cut, and I am beautiful.”
TO BE CONTINUED…