Today, June 1, 2019, I sat down to write a post about turning 50 years old.  I found this unpublished draft and was amazed at how far I’ve come since 2017, when I began this piece.  I’ve decided to publish this, even though it no longer defines where I am, because perhaps others have also forgotten how far they have come.  The best way to measure growth is not to compare myself to you, but to compare myself to the former me.  I’m doing okay!  How about you?

…As I sit here on the couch, I notice the ever growing mound of quivering flesh that is my abdomen.  I look to the left and right of me and notice the every widening expanse of my lap.   I realize, also, that my hand has gone to my hair, and more than one strand has found its way to the floor.

When I first set out on this literary exercise in self-awareness and healing, my goal was to overcome my trichotillomania.  My plan was to focus on this particular symptom of my self-loathing.  I reasoned that it was too difficult to tackle all of my unhealthy manifestations at once.  I have, however, come to recognize that I am STILL focusing on that “check engine light” rather than the malady itself.

I have struggled with my weight most of my life as well.  I have starved myself to the point of hospitalization.  I have binged and purged by vomiting, laxatives and over-exercising.  I have tried fad diets, fasts, and cleanses.  I’ve even tried  “letting myself go,” and accepting that I am just fat.  However, just like my hair-pulling, my body image is merely an expression of a deeper wound.

My body and my hair are simply part of the box that holds the real me…my heart, my spirit, my soul.  I have been redecorating that box my entire life, making it prettier, skinnier, friendlier, happier, kinder, more spiritual, smarter, whatever I believed would make me…      lovable.

I believe my inability to forgive and love myself and those who have hurt me is what has held me in bondage all of these years.  It is time to make a decision; one only I can make.  Do I want to continue to watch myself die, or am I ready to live and love with my whole heart?