After writing out and reading, over and over, the list of expectations I feel drive me, I had one very powerful observation.  Each expectation I have for myself is the polar opposite of how I believe I should treat others.  In fact, it is almost as though I believe my ability to treat others properly REQUIRES me to deride myself:

In order to love others, I must despise self

In order to care for others, I must sacrifice self

In order to give to others, I must deny self

I think most people would probably say that I am a kind person, but I’m really not.  If you could hear the conversations I have with myself, you would realize I?m a very hateful, judgemental, and angry woman,  I call myself names that would NEVER cross my lips about another human being.  I dredge up past wrongs and remind myself regularly of humiliating mistakes.  My negative self talk is absolutely  cruel.  I would never, in a million years talk to someone else that way, so why do I do this to myself?

BECAUSE I AM A SINNER

BECAUSE I AM WICKED

BECAUSE I AM UGLY AND FAT AND STUPID AND…

…You aren’t!

But that can’t be right.  I know the Bible says to think of others as more important than yourself, but does that really mean I’m completely unimportant?  I don’t think that seems like something God would say.  In God’s eyes, my life is just as valuable as yours. He doesn’t  play favorites, so why do I?  Is it possible to esteem others highly without having to think less of myself?  What if I were to respect  and love myself AND you?  Wouldn’t that be even more meaningful?  Instead of eliciting pity from those I care for and about, we could mutually bless and cherish each other, because we BOTH realize we are equally worthy of  love, but we choose to esteem the other.

Jesus humbled himself by coming to earth and living as a man, but he never compromised who he was.  He put man ahead of himself by living a humble life and dying a terrible death in our place, but he never minimized his power in order to do so.  He knew who he was, he understood his power, he accepted his position, but he chose to put our needs ahead of his own.  I think that is how God wants me to live, too.   I don’t have to minimize myself in order to honor others.  I can love and accept me WHILE I am loving and accepting you.

For so long I have  taken every beautiful Scripture about love and applied it only to others.  I saw myself as the dirty, worthless worm, but I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want my heart to overflow with love, but maybe now it will be washing over me as it flows onto you!