What does self-love have to do with marriage?  Isn’t it the exact opposite of what marriage is all about?

Twenty-six years ago, I said, “I promise” to a lot of things, and I thought I meant every word of it.  The problem is, I promised to love, honor and obey (yes, I said that word…gasp!) another human with no idea what that really entailed.  At the time, I had no idea that was a problem, of course.  Rick was the ultimate catch: handsome, smart, motivated, funny, caring, charming…all those things that make a a girl go weak in the knees.  Back then I believed I had nothing more to offer than a body made for sex.  I honestly thought he was doing me a HUGE favor by marrying me.  In my heart of hearts, I felt like I needed to be rescued…mostly from myself.  Rick was my “white knight,” and I was grateful.

But gratitude is not the same as love.

Simply put, I expected Rick to be my Jesus.  I had no clue that’s what I expected, but the benefit of time and wisdom has proven to me that I believed Rick was the answer to all of my “issues.”  As great as Rick is, he just wasn’t all that.

I did not view myself as someone worthy of love, so although Rick would shower me with affection and cherish me as his own flesh, I simply could not accept it, and this played out in very subtle, ugly ways.  No matter what he said or did to convince me of his undying love, I couldn’t return it, because I couldn’t understand it.  I tried to do all the things a good wife is supposed to do, and I thought I loved him back, but all I was really doing was trying to earn his love and show him how great I thought he was.

When you constantly send unconscious signals that you don’t accept someone’s deepest emotional connection, how can they help but feel foolish, uncared for, mocked and rejected?  I couldn’t see that then.  I think, in a way, I believed he would feel more like a hero for loving me, if I constantly demonstrated how much I needed him to save me.

But hero worship is not the same as love.

After years of dealing with my crap (spelled out in other posts, so I won’t bore you with the details here), I am beginning to recognize that Rick is NOT my Savior.  In fact, I don’t need saving, because I am saved.  And because I am already safe and secure from myself, my past, and my future, I can allow myself to receive what Rick is offering.  I can even reciprocate.

I don’t need Rick to love me.  I know that goes against every love song ever written, but its true.  I have Jesus.  He deemed me worthy of His love.  He found me in my darkest place.  He knows my every secret suffering, and He died for me.  He told me I was worthy, and I believe He was right.

This doesn’t mean I think my sin was acceptable.  This doesn’t mean I think I am perfect.  This doesn’t mean I think I did something to warrant Jesus’ death.

In ways I can’t explain, the truth of Jesus changes everything.  I AM lovable!  I don’t need my parents to love me. I don’t need Rick to love me. I don’t need my children to love me.  I have all I need in Christ.

But having my needs met in Christ doesn’t mean I don’t love being loved by my family and friends.

I can accept that Rick loves me, because I am lovable, I can grab that love, hold it, look at it, draw it close and hug it, hold it up to God and say, “THANK YOU for this man!” I can look at my husband and see a man loved by Jesus and say, “Here is a man who needed a Savior, too.  Here is a man who does not need my love, but accepts it because he is lovable, too.  Here is a man I gladly open up my heart to, because I do not have to prove I am worthy, and neither does he.  Here is MY man, given to me by a generous and loving Father.  And I am his woman, given to him by that same loving Dad.  We are gifts, given to each other…beautiful, amazing gifts, and all I want to do is offer him my very lovable heart, mind and body to share this fantastic journey.”