One of my very favorite sounds in the world is another person’s laughter. Very little brings me greater joy than knowing I put a smile on someone’s face and am the reason for a giggle or chuckle. A lot of what I say and write is intended to be lighthearted, and I often hide behind humor rather than express my true feelings.
At this point, however, I feel it necessary to share my gut reaction to the next stage of this journey toward better self-awareness and trust. I am absolutely terrified and overcome with shame.
I have a dear friend who is an amazing artist. Marsha Lane Foster currently specializes in high-end, boudoir photography, and is a truly talented fine-art photographer as well. Over a year ago, when the idea of documenting this journey first came to me, I asked Marsha if she would be willing to visually record this process. She seemed genuinely willing and interested in coming alongside me as I wade through all that confronting my trich entails.
However, as we sat down over several planning sessions of breakfast and coffee, I became more and more afraid of what would be required of me to accomplish my goal. Marsha was ready. I was not.
Earlier this week I sat down, once again, with Marsha to discuss what I think this process will “look like.” We tossed out ideas and expectations and put the first photo session on the calendar. Time stops for no man, or woman, and the day that I will allow another person to photograph my large, bald patch is quickly approaching.
I am close to tears just thinking about it. I don’t want anyone to see this. I feel so ugly and stupid. I’m disgusted with myself for being unable to control my own actions. Its so weird to pull out my own hair. I know people will judge me…call me strange, look at me differently. It won’t be a secret, neatly tucked away under teased hair and a pony-tail plastered with gel and hair spray.
There is no way to be lighthearted about terror and shame…so, so, so much shame. Sick-to-my-stomach, can’t-look-people-in-the-eye shame. I-don’t-want-to-be-me-anymore shame. What’s-the-point shame. This-is-all-hopeless-anyway shame. I-will-never-change shame. I-am-worthless shame.
No, there really isn’t anything funny about this fear and shame at all, and this time I’m not laughing.
Food for thought. When Terri was losing her hair she voiced her concern about “what are people going to think? ” I told her it doesn’t matter what others think. “You can wear a hat if you don’t want anyone to see your hair, those are stylish.” We went to numerous stores and bought three she liked. Time marched on and hair continued to fall and the time arrived, she asked me to cut off all her hair. I cut her hair off and when finished she looked at the mirror. “That is really short,” she said. Again, what will people think? It doesn’t matter what they think. People you know will say nothing or will compliment you. People who love you love you for who you are not because of your hair. We went to Florida on our Christmas gift vacation and Terri again brought up what will people say and I had her go with me outside the motel and walked to the beach where there were many people picking up shells and just walking or sitting. I asked her to take a look at all the people and point out one person she knew. She said, “none!” I asked her how many she would see when we got home. She said, “none! It doesn’t matter what they think!” And she gave me her big smile as that light came on. She took off her hat and she never wore any of them again except when her head was cold. Terri had one wig which she wore on a few ocassions which looked very close to her natural hair but it was hot so it never stayed on long. The point is you can adjust your hair style, wear a hat or wig or cut off all your hair because it’s your body and it doesn’t matter what others think. You are what matters!!
Wow…in tears….you capture my relationship with food with your words. I understand and feel that shame and its a vicious cycle, unabke to get off the hamster wheel. you are so brave and a goddess of light. Your an inspiration.
Thank you so much. You know, its strange. I’m always relieved to hear that others can relate to my struggles, but at the same time, I am so sorry anyone else has to feel this way at all. I pray you can find freedom from your own battles and see yourself as a beautiful, powerful person.