I’d all but given up hope on ever overcoming trichotillomania, but as I listened to that man talk about neural pathways and porn, I knew I’d discovered a piece of the puzzle.

Rick and I were mentors in a premarital counseling group.  We, along with other long-time married folks, were paired up with soon-to-be wed couples, and we met once per week as a group to listen to a speaker discuss marital issues, after which we met privately with our young couple to discuss their expectations for wedded bliss.  A variety of topics were introduced, the most highly anticipated being sex…of course.

After finishing up our community meal, the speaker was introduced: a professor at a local Christian university who spoke around the country about the topic of human sexuality, particularly within the context of a committed, monogamous relationship (i.e., marriage).  I was expecting it to be awkward and uncomfortable, but I was blown away by how utterly fascinating his presentation became.

As he introduced the topic of neural pathways, something inside me began to take form.  While his purpose was to convey the idea of porn addiction, my brain immediately recognized the implications this concept had on my own inner struggle.  It was a true epiphany, and I found myself riveted.  I had to know more about these neural pathways.

As the professor described it, as related to pornography, the brain has various neural transmitters that form synapses resulting in various emotional and physical outcomes, one of the most pleasant being orgasm.  Every time one uses pornography to achieve this response, the brain forms a specific pathway, until it actually REQUIRES this specific visual aid to produce the desired response.  In the setting of premarital counseling, this obviously was a very enlightening and serious topic, yet all the time this very titillating subject was being discussed, lightbulbs were exploding inside my own heart and mind that had NOTHING to do with a sexual climax.

THERE WAS A PHYSIOLOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR MY INABILITY TO OVERCOME TRICHOTILLOMANIA!

After decades of training, the only way my brain knew how to achieve calm and peace was through the act of pulling out my hair.  I had done this for over 40 years.  It wasn’t merely a rough, dirt path through a forest.  No! This neural pathway was a part of my core.  It wasn’t a path THROUGH the woods, it was the very forest itself, closing in all around me, reaching deep into the center of my being, with no signs of light or blazes to show a way out.  It had become a physiological, REAL part of me, and as much as this fact could bring about a fatalistic spiral of despair, that night I felt a twinge of something I’d almost given up on…

I had hope!

If my brain was capable of forming this pathway, it was capable of forming another.  And so my quest for information on the topic of neural pathways and replacing my trichotillomania jungle began.  The more I learn, the more excited I become, not simply because I might actually overcome trich, but because I might actually have discovered a way to train my own mind to find peace, happiness, contentment, calm, joy…all those things we desire most…without depending on some external source.

Nirvana!