Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and forget about everything.  I don’t really understand why or how, but pulling out my hair helps me do that.  I am able to just turn off my brain and go to some other place and forget for a while.  Part of me says, “Why is this a big deal?  I’m not doing drugs.  I’m not drinking.  This doesn’t hurt anybody else.  Why do I want to give this up?”

Shame.  That is the reason I want to remove this coping mechanism from my life.

When I’m totally stressed out, or feeling isolated and lonely, or completely bored, or furious, or overly tired, or starving (hmmmm…Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  I’ve never seen that connection until I just typed that sentence.  Wow.  There’s a saying in 12-step anonymous groups, “HALT!  Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.” That really is interesting that I just randomly typed those four things exactly.  Maybe there’s more to that than I thought?)

Ok, to pick back up on that thought..When I’m totally stressed out, or feeling isolated and lonely, or completely bored, or furious, or overly tired, or starving, my hand just goes to my head, and while it is true that it doesn’t hurt anybody else, I beat myself up afterward for days, months, years, and now decades.

I hurt me when I use this escape method.  That should really bother me more, right?  I should have a problem with hurting me, right?

So today, as I sit here in this big, quiet, empty house, wanting nothing more than to completely zone out and knowing EXACTLY how to accomplish that, I have chosen to type this instead.  And pray.  Maybe I should pray?

This is so hard.