What doesn’t kill you…

Sometimes I want to scream at God, “I’m strong enough, already!”

I have grown so weary of evil. There is no part of this world that it hasn’t touched.  No safe place exists where it cannot reach. Evil, darkness, pain and suffering inhabit every corner, every nuance of my conscious life, and it has left my soul exhausted.

As if the world stage, as presented by the media in its frenzied attempt to shock and dismay us all, were not enough, my own limited past is full of examples of man’s inhumanity to man.

When I look at all of the senseless tragedy in light of my desire to stop pulling out my hair, I come away wondering if perhaps my response to the world is actually appropriate.  Maybe pulling out ones hair is EXACTLY the correct response to what plagues us.

Yet, by doing so, I place myself in a position for further shame and humiliation.  Who doesn’t stare at the lady with a bald spot? Who doesn’t judge or question or criticize?  Its a double-edged sword, to be sure.  The one earthly thing that brings me temporary relief is the same thing the holds me captive.

I recently wrote to a friend going though unspeakable hardships and faced with unimaginable fears, “I wish I had the magic words to bring you peace.  All I have is Jesus.”  This is what I must tell myself when I hear of yet one more horrific situation facing yet another friend.  I have no hope outside of Him.  I have nothing to offer besides that One.  Even though my heart and mind know beyond question that He is all I need, there are days when the pain and ensuing anger need an outlet. As I look down at the strands of hair on the floor, I am the one to bear that consequence. I need this to end. I have had enough.