Because of my trichotillomania and the accompanying anxiety and depression, I’ve been in and out of formal therapy so many times I’ve lost count; cognitive therapy, Christian therapy, psychotherapy, behavioral therapy, group therapy, in patient, out patient – you name it.  So many trees have given their lives so that my story can be recorded over and over again, all with the goal of helping me “let it go.”  Each time I travel  down the therapeutic road, I learn something new.  During my last ride on the merry-go-round of introspection, my counselor asked me to write out what I expected of myself, so I pulled out that stained, smeary index card I had carried around in the bottomless pit of my purse for months. I reflected, expounded, analyzed and agonized over this list for a couple of days,, and the result is, to say the least, enlightening.

I must be highly intelligent, but not arrogant or condescending

I must be thin and pretty, but not focused on diets and food, show no signs of vanity, and believe everyone else is beautiful regardless of what they look like.

I must want sex and be sexy but never overtly as I am responsible for other people’s impure thoughts

I must be good at everything I do, but also be humble and patient with faults in others

I must appear happy and outgoing all the time regardless of how I feel, but also genuine and compassionate toward others’ pain

I must be generous and give to others in need, but also be fiscally responsible by denying myself to accomplish this

I must sacrifice for God to be pleased, with the understanding that sacrifice doesn’t count if it doesn’t result in my pain and suffering

My home must be beautiful and clean all the time, but I cannot ever make others feel undue pressure to keep their houses clean by telling them it  is important to me.

I must be generous with my time and talents when helping others, but always be self-sufficient and never appear needy by asking for or accepting help

I must say yes to anything God asks of me, which translates to saying yes to everything asked of me by anyone

I must forgive and forget every wrong ever done to me, but I must constantly remind myself of the times I’ve hurt others so as not to repeat these mistakes or forget that I am a sinner

I must live a life full of grace and mercy, but never, ever, ever forget that I am totally depraved

I must have a heart that overflows with the love of God, but understand fully that my heart is wicked

I must rely on Grace for my salvation, but do everything right so God won’t punish me through “consequences”

But seriously, is it any wonder I pull my hair out?  Most of the time I feel like a total failure, but how could I not?  Where did these expectations originate?  Who taught me that this is truth? How did I come to believe that this list is even remotely attainable?  The answer is extremely simple but very complicated, just like that list of expectations:

Childhood Sexual Abuse       My Parents’  Divorce       Familial Mental Illness       Ongoing Sexual Trauma       Teen-Aged Single Motherhood       Life as a Jehovah’s Witnesses and my Disfellowshipping from Them      Institutional/Organized Religion       The Media       My Culture

There is one thing missing from this “school of life” from which I learned what is expected of me: God’s Word.  Everything on that list of my expectations  is based on what people either demonstrated or outright told me, but none of it comes from my own understanding and experience of God himself.  I think its time for me to follow His lead, listen to His voice, and learn to view myself the way He clearly says He does – as His beautiful daughter who is worthy of love and belonging just the way He made me.  In fact, I’m beginning to realize the ONLY way to be able to genuinely love and accept others is to love and accept myself.  And that, right there, is an absolute 180 from anything I’ve ever imagined to be true.